REVELATION!

My mind is clear! Everything that seems to make me unhappy, I suddenly understand. I used to think that I, and humans as a race, are inherently unhappy. No. We're not unhappy, we are inherently afraid. I am afraid.

All of these things that I say I want to do, but am depressed because I don't think I can/will do them... I like to blame Chris, and I like to blame lack of money, and I like to blame limited time. If I really, truly wanted something, I could get it but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the costs and of things I don't know. I am in charge of my own destiny. If I was willing, I could shake the system to its core and make something of myself. I could live like no one else. But, am I willing to risk everything I have? Am I willing to put myself out there, to see and do things that I would have never imagined? How terrifying...

I can't ignore the fact that money IS a major issue. After all, even if I manage to conquer my fears and become this awesome person, I may never be able to BE this awesome person that I imagine. But I've been thinking... Why not just break from my suffocating mould? I must thank my very wise friend, Lazarus, for talking to me and helping me figure this out. Before I only felt like I was unhappy and I felt like despite working on this list, that there was nothing I could do about it. But now I really do believe that it's about fear more than it is about unhappiness and fear I believe I can overcome. With unhappiness, you can do this and that and still be unhappy. But with a fear, you just have to muster the courage to push yourself into something unknown, and once you're there, well... what's left to be afraid of?

In addition, I've been thinking of a way that I could see the world. I thank Lazarus again for bringing this to my attention, but some organizations pay for people to come help build stuff in poor countries. Maybe I could do that. After all, I don't want to see the tourist attractions of the world. I want to see the real cultures and traditions of small villages, not the westernized resorts that show only enough tradition and culture of the region, mixed with western ideals, so we don't get too frightened and home-sick. I'm going to look into that and perhaps, after I get my degree, that's what I'll do and maybe that will give me some fulfillment.